Apologies to regular readers as I have not been here for a while to post. Although I have an awful lot of good positive things to add to this site soon. The black dog does not visit me much these day’s which is brilliant. Unfortunately the odd days he does come back it feels like I have run and face-planted into a black brick wall at 100mph. I have a good plan of action and medical support in place for keeping the black dog tame which I intend to speak about in my next post on this blog #009.
Like all invisible illness it is very hard to for the people around you to truly understand your daily battle, most of us don’t expect you to either. I speak personally here, but I have a strong feeling I may speak for many when I say if we can’t do something, attend some event, go out for the drink, make that gig or meal out please accept our apologies for not attending. Spending the next 10 minutes chatting, emailing or texting to convince us to do a certain thing only adds to our pain or struggle.
I have made clear my depressing battle is over for now, I have found a way to tame the black dog. The awful hangover it left me with was very bad anxiety and nocturnal panic attacks. After a lot of hard work and medical help I also bought this under control. I also changed some things in my life and adopted a new way of living which you may read about in other posts on my blog.
However despite all of this success I still have the odd rotten day, like my G.P regularly reminds me, these are passing episodes, they will not last. She is right, they do not last and things really do go back to normal again.
I am still struggling with one aspect of anxiety some people experience, this is what is known as Social Anxiety and in no uncertain terms it is an absolute arse to fight. It is also very hard to understand when your life before any of this was so full and outgoing and you regularly see reminders of this around you. If you do not know what Social Anxiety is you can read more about it here.
I have not posted this to seek attention, no way we hate drawing attention to ourselves when it’s at it’s worse. I have not posted this to make excuses for missing all those birthday parties, gigs, nights out, events, weddings, family events and any other social event I may have had to miss in the last 6 or 7 years. Social Anxiety normally haunts people after significant or traumatic life events, well I have had about 5 or 6 of those leading up the start of all my mental health problems back in 2009-ish.
I have decide to post this now because I think I may be winning a little, the time is right. We should never ever have to say sorry for being ill and I won’t. I want to say thank you instead to those who know, those who do not know, those who tolerated me and thought my excuses were just excuses but still asked me to attend parties, gigs etc. Thank you to all of you, you know who you are and I appreciate this. Well here I am telling you why? I have no control over this aspect of my health, I am however fighting back again,
Social Anxiety causes immense physical and mental ill health, some aspects of this I can’t even begin to describe but in brief if it hits me when I am asked to go somewhere or do something and I actually make it out, it has been one hell of war inside to get that far. Often once I am there I am good. To get to the stage of being at said event I may have gone through physical pain in my joints and muscles, palpitations, panic attacks, sickness, headaches, hot and cold sweats, my stomic will or would have been doing back flips like an acrobat from Circus De Soleil and I would have visited the toilet more times than I care to mention leading up to going out the door, yes fight or flight really does happen even when something good or fun is about to happen. I would normally also pace up and down like drill Sargent in my house.
Should the above be that bad or worse which is more common with events I have planned or prior knowledge of I have no other option but to make my excuses. I am about to try some new techniques for fighting back. I want to fight back as this is my third and very last hurdle I have to cross to finally beat this crap that has been holding me back for the last 7 years of so.
Thank you for sticking by, thank you for asking me time and time again to attend something, even though I may have said no many times I so wanted to come with you. Please do not stop asking as this gives me a goal and one day I will be saying YES!